Expensive Lessons

I don't like it when I make, what I consider to be, costly mistakes. I especially dislike feeling pressured into something I never wanted, and I can't stand it when I make poor financial decisions. This is likely the reason why it has taken me 10 years to close a (somewhat shameful) chapter in my financial history. I have a confession. In 2008, I bought a timeshare. I never wanted one, in fact, I thought they were silly. I didn't like the idea of being locked into maintenance fees and whatnot for the rest of my life, but I did like the idea of getting a free trip somewhere for just going to the presentation. What I did not anticipate, was the conditions I would be subjected to while at the "presentation" -- really a high pressure sales pitch where you are not left alone for one second and are continuously made to feel as though you are stupid.

I made the mistake of going to the presentation by myself. I was assigned to two older gentlemen who, every time I said no, made harder and harder sales pitches. I was very uncomfortable the entire time, and I kept saying I was not comfortable spending money that I didn't have ('don't worry, we have financing plans,' they said), locking myself into a single location for vacations ('not a problem, we have exchanges,' they said), making a decision at this age when I had no idea what I wanted to do next, I'd rather save the money for school ('you'll own your vacations!' they said). I finally just agreed --to make it stop, which was my youth and inexperience showing through, as I would NEVER do that same thing today. From the time I agreed to the purchase to the time I signed the papers, they did not leave my side. In fact, they took me from room to room, further away from other people, and I felt trapped. As soon as I signed the papers and they told me "Congratulations!" with their slimy grins and triumphant handshakes, I felt sick to my stomach. I was extremely upset with myself.

Over the course of the next 5 years, I paid off the timeshare, but I never once used it. I was so upset every time I had to even look at the paperwork, I saw failure and felt angry all over again at myself for being so gullible. I looked into the possibility of selling the timeshare, but believe me when I say -- no one wants to buy a timeshare, not even the people who sold it to you. I also found out that there is a buyers remorse sort of protection where you can cancel the purchase within 7 days, no questions asked, but I didn't know that at the time, and of course, the salespeople never told me. One day, I just stopped paying the assessment fees. They never called. One week turned into 2 months, turned into 3, then 4, then 5 years, and...nothing. I checked my credit reports annually, nothing.

When I told my fiance, now husband about the timeshare, he encouraged me to call and find out what the status was. In fact, he sat the duffel bag they had given me to hold all of the documents and paperwork in my office, so I had to look at it, every. Day. Today, I finally called to confirm that my account was closed, I owned nothing, and I owed nothing. They confirmed and I tossed out the contents of the bag that had been sitting in my office for nearly 6 months, and lifted the burden that had been resting on my shoulders for 10 years. I will happily shred the documents, but I learned 2 valuable lessons over the course of this sorted affair --

1. Never, and I mean EVER, let someone pressure you into doing what is not right for you. Anyone willing to belittle and coerce you, does not have your best interest at heart, and you should feel 100% confident with ZERO regrets about standing up, putting your shoulders back, and loudly saying: NO. 
2. Everything "free" is not free. Count the cost, and understand what it will really mean to put yourself in a situation where you may be vulnerable. 

It was an expensive lesson, I hope you can learn from my story, so you don't have to experience something similar. Happy (almost) New Year!

A new year

Each year, I write an entry in my journal attempting to recall the most impactful memories and lessons from the previous year. I also reread the entry I'd written to see where I (thought I) wanted to be and where I ended up. In my 2017 entry, I wrote this, and I think it's worth sharing because maybe it will speak to someone.

So I want to write this thought before it escapes. I used to place more significance on how I "rang in" the New Year -- feeling like it "set the tone" for the rest of the year. I feel more liberated to approach each day as a new year, a new start, a fresh page to write a new story and right wrongs -- to make better choices and be more authentic. The 31st is just a day.

I share that thought to encourage anyone who may feel that they didn't start the year off the way they should have, not to be discouraged. Happy New Year!

Then, you are not.

You are light and joy and wind, blowing across the Earth in gusts of happiness and lifting spirits with your cool breezes.

You color the world in blues and purples and pinks, filling the sky with sunset promises of brighter days to come.

You are tomorrow.

And looking forward to another day is a pastime you inspire, because what is the point of passing time, if you are not in it?

You are future.

You…

You…

You.

Are gone.

And light turns to dark, joy into sorrow-- in your absence, the World is still.

And the sky brings forth rain, mixing with salty rivers.

We stand uncovered, awash in universal tears.

You are yesterday.

And returning to light and joy and cool breezes is necessary, because what is the point of inhabiting space, if you are not in it?

You are remembered.

Repetition

This exercise from Steering the Craft dealt with using a particular word or phrase. Conventional wisdom says "don't use the same word twice," which as a general rule of thumb is..okay, but can be constraining, especially when it can enhance your writing as a narrative tool for emphasis.

Part I: Verbal Repetition - Write a paragraph of narrative that includes at least three repetitions of a noun, verb or adjective (a noticeable word, not an invisible one like "was," "said," or "did")

"You stink. I can smell you from over here, and not in a 'it wafted near my nose for a moment and then the smell was gone' kind of way, you smell so bad it is hanging in the air, it is assaulting my nose! That smell is going to literally incapacitate our entire unit! Do you hear me soldier?? Your mother must not have taught you to wash your a** because you smell like s**t, like a dead animal crawled up your rectum and died, that smell is repulsive son! You disgust me! Go take a shower, scrub until your skin is pink and then, scrub some more, I don't want to so much as catch one whiff of your dirty, smelly, rank behind---DISMISSED!" The Sergeant nodded and turned his eyes to the rest of the company, "Any one else neglect to shower today??" he bellowed, "Sir, no Sir!" they replied in unison.

Part II: Syntactic Repetition - Write a paragraph to a page of narrative in which you deliberately repeat the syntactical construction, or the exact rhythm, of a phrase or sentence (or more than one) several times. 

This exercise was very difficult for me. I did not do it correctly. I still have to go back and reread the meaning of syntactic repetition to fully understand what it means, and how it is used. I think I have a better grasp of it now, than when I first completed this exercise. In fact, I will explain it (honestly more for myself, to reiterate what I think I know, than for you). Syntactic repetition is when you use a particular sentence structure or rhythm repetitively. Example using sentence construction: --e.g.; 

She could have cried, but she instead remained stoic. He wanted to see her emotional, so he increased the number of insults in his retort. 

 This was an easier concept to grasp once I reread the examples several times. The second form, rhythmic repetition, was more difficult to identify (for me at least). The example given:

"We always went to the mountain in summer. But I never knew what had happened to Bonny." 

did not immediately strike me as rhythmic. I was thinking poetic rhyming; but this was not that. One of the women in my writing group, who has a Bachelors in Creative Writing, pointed out the rhythm to me (after I butchered the exercise): the syllables match, the number of words, match, a colored illustration makes this easier to identify:

We always went to the mountain in summer. 

But I never knew what had happened to Bonny.

 It is really great to write with people who can help make you better, who want to see you improve, and who point out your errors without condescending, but with the intention to bring out your best work. Writing with these women is a safe place. I never balk at their thoughtful criticism, I welcome it, because, I know it comes from a place of honesty.

Here was my first, terrible attempt at this exercise:

Cars of every shape and size drove swiftly down the congested street. Many people seemed not to pay attention to the world around them, opting to instead, browse their Facebook newsfeed. It would be easy. What if she just pushed him him into the street? Not an obvious shove, rather, a slight bump, just hard enough to knock him off balance and into the street. After all, he was always teasing her about tripping on cracks in the sidewalk, so who was to say she didn't just stumble on one of those invisible cracks, reach for him to steady herself and, completely on accident, send him plunging into oncoming traffic. One of those distracted drivers would surely make quick work of him. The posted speed limit was 45, how likely was it that someone would survive a hit at that speed? She always noticed the crosses adorned with photos and remembrances on the side of residential streets, that meant someone died there, some unfortunate meeting between pedestrian and car had taken place; score: car 1, pedestrian 0. He reached out and grabbed her hand, swinging it in jest. She attempted to still the motion, "You know I hate it when you do that," she muttered, snatching her hand, he feigned offense, "But you like it when I hold your hand," he retorted. She kicked a rock into the street, just one little trip, one little bump, that would be enough. She narrowed her eyes. "Hey, what are you thinking?" he asked, the playfulness leaving his voice, "Where did you go?" -- she watched the cars fly by, "I think we should break up," she said abruptly. 

Now, you tell me --- WHERE is the repetition in that?? You can't see me, so I will tell you, I am laughing. I think I just wrote, hoping that I would magically fall into repetition on accident, and no one would notice that I had no idea what the exercise was asking me to do. Bad idea. Here is this exercise, rewritten (and highlighted) for repetition. Bright yellow highlights are structural repetitions, multi-colored highlights are used to identify the rhythmic repetition, at least in the beginning, then, you'll just have to trust me :-).

Busy cars drove swiftly down the congested street. People did not notice the world surrounding them. It would be easy, she could just push him. Not an obvious shove, just a slight bump.  After all, he was always teasing her for tripping on cracks in the sidewalk. Maybe then, she would stumble over one of many small cracks, and reach for him. Then, completely on accident, she would send him plunging into oncoming traffic. Surely someone, one of those distracted drivers, would make quick work of him. The posted speed limit was 45. How likely was it that someone would survive? She always noticed adorned crosses by the busy streets. They marked someone's tragic meeting with a vehicle. Score: car 1, pedestrian 0. He grabbed her hand, swinging it in jest. She recoiled, attempting to still the motion. "You know I hate it when you do that," she muttered, snatching her hand. He feigned offense, "But you like it when I hold your hand," he retorted. She kicked a rock into the street. One little trip. One tiny bump. That would be enough. She narrowed her eyes. "Hey, what are you thinking?" he asked, the playfulness leaving his voice. "She watched the cars fly by, "I think we should break up," she said abruptly. 

And there you have it. My corrected exercise. I had to use my white board to construct some sentences. When I was having difficulty, I lined up the words and matched the syllables:

 You'll note that ve-hi-cle, I paired with bu-sy streets. Is that cheating? Hmm...I don't think so, it is in the spirit of the exercise, so I gave myself a pass.

Happy writing!

Short and Long

This is exercise three in Steering the Craft. This exercise was broken into 2 parts, short and long. This set of exercises was one of my favorite to date. I did not particularly care for it the first time I tried, but the second time around, I had a better feel for how to approach this style of narrative.

Part one: Write a paragraph of narrative, 100-150 words, in sentences of seven or fewer words. No sentence fragments! Each must have a subject and a verb.

The glass fell, shattering on impact. She sat motionless, unfeeling. Her mother gave her that glass. The fragments gleamed in the sunlight. They reminded her of life's fragility. Broken glass was now all that remained. She wept while sweeping up the pieces. She counted the shards as they dropped. She spoke aloud: "one, two...forty-nine." They numbered the years, exactly. She died so young, her mother. Life had a way of sucker punching. "Goodbye," she whispered, closing the lid.

The challenge for me initially in the exercise above was realizing that short sentences did not mean short words. All I could think of was "see spot run." I hope this was a little more compelling than spot :-)

Part two: Write a half-page to a page of narrative, up to 350 words, which is all one sentence.

Raucous laughter rang through the halls as he ran, short legs pumping, trying to carry him as fast as they could; away from the eyes, the teeth, the gestures--the ridicule of the taunting children who cruelly threw their leftover lunches at his feet, compelling him with the smell, to eat, but pride would not let him bend down to pick up the bitten sandwiches, half cookies; he was used to being hungry, he was used to disappearing through sheer force of will into a quiet space inhabited by only his thoughts of a better life where hunger pangs were not his constant companion and, just once, shoes and clothes and underwear were not leftovers, so no, he would not pick up the lunches, his stomach told him otherwise, so he did the only thing he could do; he ran, as fast as his legs could carry him away from the temptation of a second hand lunch to further humiliate him and his second hand life, his discarded dreams, like their discarded sandwiches lay at his feet as he tried to outrun their taunting -- you'll never fly around the world, you'll never see a whale, you'll never be more than a second class dreamer of broken and discarded dreams, he ran, his legs burning, but he wouldn't stop, not this time, not ever, he would outrun them, he would, he would -- "I will!" he screamed as he tore through the gates of the school, ignoring the calls of the security guards, ignoring the pain in his toes as the too small shoes supplemented with cardboard, to fill the places where holes had been worn, threatened to burst from his feet, leaving him to run barefoot on the blistering pavement; but he wouldn't stop, not now, not ever-- no more broken dreams, no more discarded wishes; he would run, he would run or he would die, he would run because that's all there was, all he could do to escape the place where life was cruel, and to a place where dreams would flourish.

The first time I attempted this exercise (long) I ended up with a blank page. I could not think of a single thing to write. I tried. I think that it was because I was typing on a computer, and so, I continued to erase what I had written and by the end of the time we allotted, I'd erased everything. This time, I resorted to good old fashioned pen and paper. It helped. I think this exercise helped me understand how better to write urgency, to convey a feeling of tension. I may revisit this exercise just to continue practicing this technique.  

I am Garcia Marquez

My writing group and I have been meeting, I just haven't been posting (naughty me). So this was exercise two from Steering the Craft: "I am Garcia Marquez." The exercises are accompanied by a small lesson and examples. I don't include them here, only the writing prompt.

Write a paragraph to a page (150-350 words) of narrative with no punctuation (and no paragraphs or other breaking devices).

Here is my completed exercise:

They arose bleary eyed from the pavement having traveled from near and far the line extending beyond visibility one by one they steeled themselves to rush the doors clutching whistles organized in teams of only their most trusted compatriots who were prepared to take down anyone that happened to get in the way of the perfect find with elbows and fist fight resulting in black eyes no this was not for the faint of heart the weak of spirit not the feeble of mind or body this was war and sneakered feet rustled in anticipation with cards at the ready for swiping and hands at the ready for grabbing because there would be no prisoners as the grappling brides wrestled over the dress of their dreams at the annual Filene's basement sale.

I had trouble with this exercise. It was very difficult for me to think of ways to write a continuous, non-breaking sentence that seemed natural. I have read Garcia Marquez (100 Years of Solitude) and found that I often had to re-read passages due to his writing style. I can't say that this a device I will employ often, if ever, but I suppose it was a good thought exercise.

Being Gorgeous (With Words)

My writing group is working its way through Steering the Craft, we just started. I am going to share my exercises here for additional feedback, should you choose to leave any, that is.

Exercise One: Being Gorgeous
Write a paragraph to a page (150-300 words) of narrative that's meant to be read aloud. Use onomatopoeia, alliteration, repetition, rhythmic effects, made-up words or names, dialect --any kind of sound-effect you like --but NOT rhyme or meter.

Here is my completed exercise:

BOOM! Goes the dynamite. Explosions are the best. Light and sound and crackling pops of color, sending debris flying in every which direction. Up and down and inside of things...Like buildings, and people and colors become just one: red. And sounds become just one: screams. And crackling pops burst ear drums, and Boom! topples buildings built over centuries. Maybe, explosions are not the best. But colors and sounds and light illuminate countries, and simple acts like running through fields of daises; pretty pops of yellow and white filled with butterflies and the backdrop of blue skies are threats of: BOOM! Wrong step, buried beneath daisies, dynamite, goes BOOM. Choose a different route to school, where colors are gray and buildings, already toppled, are more safe, because the threat of BOOM is buried beneath their rubble.

I find it interesting where our minds can take us. I started writing with the first sentence that popped into my head, which was the line "BOOM! Goes the dynamite," a funny phrase popularized in this YouTube video:

I initially thought I was going to write a funny piece, and I ended up somewhere totally different...such is the process I suppose.

The Shortest Path from Plant to Plate

I have been a vegetarian from the time I was conceived in my mother's womb.

I find it funny when people ask me incredulously what I eat and whether I ever crave meat. The answer is everything! If I were to remove all of the fruits, vegetables, grains and other non-meat items from a person's diet, they would not be left with much, whereas the opposite is not true.Honestly, I don't have a taste for meat, my palate is highly developed for the consumption of delicious vegetables.

I have been thinking about why I believe what I believe when it comes to the things that I do (believe). My belief regarding vegetarianism can be summarized in a single sentence: The shortest path from plant to plate. Indulge me as I take a stab at describing, in long form, what vegetarianism means to me.

When I was in grad school, we studied Dijkstra's Algorithm. What is an algorithm? A procedure, a series of steps, for solving a problem. Usually, you try to optimize the steps in some way. Dijkstra's algorithm finds the shortest path by calculating cost (distance) to all potential paths from a given point. I am glad Computer Science has given me the language to articulate my vegetarianism in a way that people who want a logical argument might be able to understand, or at least respect. The shortest path minimizes the cost of production, environmental impact and maximizes nutrition.

To grow a plant, your inputs are: sun, soil, seeds and water. We'll assign each of these a cost of 1, for a total cost of 4. If your soil is harsh, you will also be required to fertilize, but for simplicity's sake we will ignore this variable. Plants also reduce Carbon Dioxide, help curb top soil erosion, and, with few exceptions, are able to be consumed within 100 days of planting. You are able to save seeds (so long as they are not of the Monsanto variety) to plant for your subsequent harvest.

To raise an animal, your inputs are: plants, water, parents and property. We will follow the same logic as above, plants = 3, water and property are each assigned a cost of 1, for each parent we must also count the cost of plants water and property, giving a parent a cost of 5, in this case each animal requires 2 parents, for a cost of 10, which brings the total cost of raising an animal to 25. We will not take into account veterinary care, and other costs associated with animals, again, for simplicity's sake. Animals produce carbon dioxide, contribute to soil erosion through their consumption of plants, and depending on the animal, will take anywhere from to 7 to 540 days before it can be slaughtered, not including gestational period. Animals are self terminating, in that once you kill the animal it can no longer reproduce.

Before you get upset with me, I realize there are places in the world where the plants that do grow are not suitable for human consumption and people eat the animals who eat those plants out of necessity. I am not of the "killing animals is wrong" school of vegetarianism. I am of the "if people continue raising and slaughtering animals at the current rate, we will kill the planet" school of sustainability.

Now, back to my cost minimizing, nutrition maximizing shortest path from plant to plate theory:

By every measure: time to grow, time to harvest, and time to replenish, plants beat animals, hands down. Pulling from my super-simple math: Plant cost = 4, Animal cost = 25, so an animal is 6 times more costly to raise than a plant.

If I eat the plant directly I get all of the nutrition from that plant. The longer I wait to consume the plant after I have removed it from the ground, the smaller the nutritional value. If I follow this logic, the best plants to eat are those I have grown in my back yard and pick only when I am ready to eat, followed by farmer's markets, and lastly, grocery stores. If I eat the animal, that eats the plant, I am taking the long route instead of eating the plant directly, the shortest path.

And that is my long way of saying...eat less meat, eat more vegetables.

12 Years a Slave

I just finished reading 12 Years a Slave. I, being of African descent in the United States and educated in its Public Schools, had never heard tales of free men being kidnapped and sold into slavery. I do not know how pervasive a practice it was but, the fact that there is a written first person account of one man's treacherous experience is enough for me to believe it happened far more frequently than documented. I am one of the fortunate generations reaping the benefits of emancipation and the Civil Rights Act. I have never had to raise a finger to fight for my education, equal opportunity, or ability to go about the mundane activities of my daily life unmolested. I can work remotely, have a flexible schedule and a reasonable manager.

I cannot imagine what it must have been like to be at the mercy of a cruel master; your every waking moment dictated by the whims of another human being who does not care about your health or well being. The atrocities suffered by the slaves in Solomon Northup's novel (and visually depicted on screen in gut wrenching detail by the amazing Steve McQueen) caused me to acknowledge my privilege. It trivialized even the worst of my complaints.

I am free to wake at my leisure, travel without an issued hall pass like a school child, and can challenge authority with no fear of retribution. I am a vegetarian by choice, and turn my nose up at poor quality cuisine. I am, without exception, a free woman. I have never been poorly treated or feared for my safety. I grew up with all of my family under one roof in a loving household. The fact that slaves were not allowed to read, write or own pen and paper made their captivity all the more unbearable in my eyes. Writing is my escape. It is my release. They were not afforded even the simple pleasure of self reflection.

What is so striking, and what further endeared me to Solomon Northup's narrative, is that he had no desire to be a "great" man. He simply wanted to live a good life with his family. To wake daily and go to work, to come home to a meal prepared by his wife and enjoy the company of his children. A modest aspiration by any measure. To breathe free. The final statement of the book is one written by a man devoid of any designs on vengeance :

 "Chastened and subdued in spirit by the sufferings I have borne, and thankful to that good Being through whose mercy I have been restored to happiness and liberty, I hope henceforward to lead an upright though lowly life, and rest at last in the church yard where my father sleeps"

To have endured 12 years a slave, and come out with any semblance of a spirit is remarkable. The resiliency of my ancestors chides me silently for my ungrateful days. For taking for granted my gift of freedom. Accounts such as these challenge my perception of difficulty and endurance, and beg me to ask the question "What is my responsibility?" Surely to leave, upon my departure from this Earth, a better world than the one I inherited. I pray that I will have the tenacity to endure what (small) hardships I must encounter to carry out the mission I am tasked with, whatever it may be. I am grateful that Mr. Northup left behind his legacy so that all who read it can be reminded that freedom is to be treasured, and that we are all capable of impacting the lives of others through even the smallest act of kindness.

Plagiarism

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I do not disagree, with the exception of theft. If someone does not attribute their imitation to the source, they are lying. Plain and simple. In this, the Internet age, it has become far too easy to co-opt an original work. There is a word for this, it is called plagiarism.

pla·gia·rism
ˈplājəˌrizəm
noun

1. the practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own.

What prompted this thought? I had something on my heart and Googled a phrase. Within the top three search results were two separate blog posts, one from 2013 another from 2009, with identical content. The 2013 post was clearly masquerading as original because it made no mention of the earlier post. This made me quite angry because, as a blogger, the thoughts I share are often personal and shared from my heart. Were I to repost content that I did not write, I would be sure to identify it as such, anything else would be disingenuous.

When I encounter an injustice, no matter how small, I do not sit idly by. I sent an email to the original poster alerting him to the plagiarized post. The kicker? Both of the blogs were written by church Pastors.

"For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light." - Matthew 4:22

Deceptive Marketing

I am a skeptic. Not with everything, but when it comes to any form of marketing, especially those that do not name a specific company or entity and make unsubstantiated and vague claims about available offers, I am (skeptical).

I just want to post a PSA. I received this "notice" on my door today:

 My suspicion was immediately aroused. I did a reverse look up of the phone number on the Yellow Pages, but it yielded no results. I then researched the Arizona Renewable Energy Standard, which states that utility companies have until 2025 to generate 15% of their energy from renewable resources. Clearly, I am not a utility company. I was greatly annoyed that someone would attempt to bait me into calling by posting an official looking notice on my door stating I was eligible for a rebate. I figure that they papered the entire neighborhood in the hopes that some (poor soul) would call. I am not the one. In fact, quite the opposite. I have filed the following complaint with the Arizona Attorney General's Office:

To Whom It May Concern:

I received the enclosed letter from an unnamed company/entity on or around December 4, 2013. The letter does not state who they are, however, the language used is both deceptive and incorrect.

As a private residence, I do not qualify for any form of incentive under the Arizona Renewable Energy Standard, which states that utility companies have until 2025 to generate 15% of their energy from renewable resources. Moreover, the code cited, AAC R14-2-1801, explicitly defines "Affected Utility" as "A Public service corporation serving retail electric load in Arizona."

I would like to file a complaint against whomever is posting these letters on the doors of homes in my community. I did not call the phone number, but strongly suspect that if I did, I would be subjected to a hard sale, attempting to use an incorrectly cited law to lure me into purchasing a good or service under the guise of receiving a rebate.

I appreciate your attention to this matter.

If you receive this notice, or anything like it, I would advise that you also file a complaint. We have protections as consumers. I will not be lied to or bullied. Civic duty for the day -- done.

Sabbatical: Push

I spoke to a friend tonight who, after 8 years of desperately wanting to leave, finally put in her two weeks notice at work. She confessed that she was waiting to be fired or laid off. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, was a situation that exposed the extent to which her contributions and work ethic were not valued, and that was just the push she needed. This reminded me of a moment I had written about while on sabbatical.

September 26, 2013:
No matter how badly you want to leave where you are, sometimes, you have to be pushed, literally. I went zip lining yesterday and at one point we did a "Tarzan Swing." Looking out over the beautiful expansive forest I could only think of one thing -- this is high, I am afraid. The staff on either side of me assured me that I was secure and to squat a little, place my hands on the rope and...jump? No. I planted my feet and did not move. That's when I felt a knee in my back and I was gently, but firmly, shoved off of the platform. My scream quickly morphed into laughter as I began to oscillate back and forth over the Monte Verde Cloud Forest. I was having fun. I would have stayed on that platform forever, paralyzed by fear if left to my own devices. Then I watched as, one by one, everyone who came after me experienced the same thing. They had to push everyone! The self preservation instinct to stay where it was safe had stymied everyone, even the strong guys.

Being pushed from the platform in Monteverde

The sabbatical lesson? Jump. In my life I am striving to jump. I don't want to wait to be pushed, but rather (I want) to have the confidence, the faith, that if I take the leap, not only will I be secure, but I just might have the time of my life doing it.

Selah.

Sabbatical: Strange places, familiar faces

It turns out that it is a small world after all.

I don't believe in coincidence and so when I run into someone multiple times, I take note and make certain to exchange information, because I believe there is some significance in the meeting. I expect that I will encounter people that I know in my home town, the last thing that I would have expected was for this to be a common occurrence while vacationing. Here are a collection of stories that illustrate just how comforting it is to reconnect with familiar faces, in unfamiliar places.

The first night I arrived in San Jose, Costa Rica, I met Patrick, a jokester from Germany who liked to tease me incessantly about the Walmart loving, burger eating, gun-loving, truck driving Americans. We were both beginning our journeys. On our last night in San Jose before striking out for other areas of the country, Costa Rica won entrance into the World Cup. To say that they were excited, would be the understatement of the century. The entire Country celebrated, and we just so happened to be positioned a few short blocks from the mayhem. It started with an eruption of cheers and before we knew it, the street in front of the hostel had been transformed into an impromptu parade, complete with drummers, vendors selling paraphernalia and vuvuzelas. Together, Patrick and I decided to join in the revelry. Traffic had come to a standstill, and no one seemed to care. The street was filled with people high fiving, hugging and jogging around the traffic circle chanting "Ole ole ole ole...Tico, Tico!" This continued for hours. I have never seen anything like it.

Patrick and I at the traffic circle in San Jose after the World Cup berth

That same night when I returned, a few new people had come to the hostel. Ana, also from Germany, had arrived and was chatting with a few other travelers on the couch in the common room. Each of her sentences was punctuated with an animated gesture and a bubbly smile, I liked her immediately. We ended up chatting until 2:00AM about where we intended to go and what we would like to do while in the country. I gave Ana my email address and told her to send me a message so I could let her know what activities or experiences I encountered that I liked, since she had arrived without a plan. When I left the next morning to travel to Arenal, I said a brief goodbye to Annette, a hostel employee from Boston whose parents were originally from Portugal.

Upon arriving in Arenal, I met a couple from Texas who twice provided a much appreciated ride in their rental. We bid each  other a fond farewell after a couple of days and I proceeded to the next leg of my trip, Cartago, where I would spend the weekend with my good friend, Irene. She introduced me to her bestie; a Biologist with a penchant for humor, spectacular spectacles and a rapier wit, Maca. Together we explored the Irazu Volcano and Tapanti National Park

Exploradores: Myself, Irene and Maca at Tapanti

From Cartago, I headed to Manuel Antonio and a new hostel, Vista Serena, I met my roommate a German by the name of Anja. I smiled and told my new acquaintance the story of the first German Ana. I wondered what she was up to, since I had never received an email. Here, I also met a pair of friends, one of whom was Dave, an Englander who had survived cancer and was on a two year round the world trip, blogging to inspire other survivors to live their dreams. The next day, Anja and I visited the National Park and enjoyed a lunch by an ocean side cafe. As I sat gazing contentedly out at the sea, devouring my coconut ice cream, I saw them, the couple from Arenal! I called out and we laughed at the likelihood of having run into one another. They decided to have lunch at the same cafe.

The 2nd Anja and I in Manuel Antonio

Anja and I returned to the hostel so she could catch her shuttle to Monteverde and I sat down to enjoy the afternoon showers with a spectacular panoramic view from the hostel balcony. September in Costa Rica is part of what is marketed as "The Green Season," a gimmicky name for rainy. True to form, each afternoon around 3:00PM, the showers would begin and last well into the evening. It was during the rainstorm that a few new guests arrived. There was an Indian man by the name of Dhaval (who went by Dave for us Westerners) who was living in New York and decided to take a last minute trip to Costa Rica...on whim. As "Dave" and I discussed our experiences and plans, a second newbie arrived. I turned to say hello and immediately both of us let out peals of laughter, it was Ana, from Hostel Urbano! After she and I greeted one another she turned to Dave and laughed again, "You!!!" she exclaimed. Apparently, they had crossed paths earlier in their journey as well. "Your email bounced back, I must have typed it incorrectly" Ana explained, I smiled and replied "I guess we were meant to reconnect," and we once again shared an evening of laughter as the rain continued to pour.

Both Ana and Irene had told me of a river, Rio Celeste, that had the most unearthly blue water and was just outside of La Fortuna. My first time visiting, La Fortuna, it rained heavily and I assumed that the water would be muddy and thus, not worth visiting, so I skipped it. I had also bypassed the hot springs and was chastised by every person I spoke for not having soaked in the naturally heated waters. With my time in Costa Rica winding down, I was determined to see that river and since I would be in La Fortuna anyway, I supposed I would soak in the springs. I left from Monteverde determined to make it to Rio Celeste, and on the ride over, the rains started. I arrived in La Fortuna and checked into a new hostel, Arenal Hostel Resort, which really, was quite like a little oasis and a steal at $12 per night. Upon check in, I inquired about visiting Rio Celeste, I was told (what I already knew) that it was not recommended given the rains. As I exited the front office I heard someone call out "Hey! Were you at Hostel Urbano?" and there was Annette walking toward me, we decided to go on the Volcano Hike the next morning.

Annette and I at my farewell lunch

For my final evening in Costa Rica, I decided to go full circle and end where I began, at Hostel Urbano. Upon checkin, I turned to see the travel companion of Dave the Survivor and she told me he had set out for Nicaragua, she would be returning to England in the morning. I set out for the ballet and returned that evening, tired and ready for a good night's sleep. On my final day in Costa Rica, Irene and I went to breakfast and she told me that Maca would have joined us, but he had company in town. We enjoyed our food and I recounted the many tales of reconnecting with people throughout my trip. She told me that Maca would be in San Jose later that day if we were able to meet up. After breakfast, walked over to the University and through the library before returning to the hostel. When I did, I was told someone had called for me, darn! I had missed connecting with Maca. I decided to walk into San Jose to photograph the graffiti murals, and 20 minutes into my walk, as I neared the city center, I heard someone call out my name. I turned to see Maca and his friend walking toward me smiling broadly, we spent the afternoon together at the museums. 

Maca and I in San Jose

When I returned to the hostel for my final evening, Annette had returned from La Fortuna and the hostel was abuzz with new activity. I could only shake my head and laugh when Patrick, the German from my first night in Costa Rica, appeared and began to tease me about Americans and our Football. It would only seem right to end my trip where it began, and to find that it is always a comfort to encounter a familiar face in a strange  place and that a place, once unfamiliar, can become like a lighthouse --welcoming you back like an old friend.

Patrick and I leaving to our next destinations at San Jose Airport

Sabbatical: Lessons from the backpackers

I have been traveling now for five weeks, a pittance compared to some of the people I have met, but the longest trip I have ever taken. When all is said and done, I will have been on the road, away from home, for six weeks. In that time, I have visited four countries, and several cities within each country. I couldn't decide how to share the stories I have captured to date: Topical? By country? I started with what I put in my bag, I could (and I will) talk about the places I've visited, but the more profound lessons for me, have been from the people I met along the way.

For those who don't know me, I am something of a planner. I have always had a calendar, be it paper, or now Google, but scheduling is second nature to me. When I say "hold on, let me check my calendar" I don't mean to be pretentious, I honestly do have to check because without my appointments saved, I would never know where I am supposed to be, or when. This is both a blessing and a curse. Once, when I was still analog, I lost my planner and had a sickening sense of anxiety until I found it. I was definitely not what could be considered a "free spirit" in the way of just seeing where the day could take me.  For my sabbatical, I wanted to escape the tyranny of a schedule. That all started with the one bag, the agility to easily pack up and go, but I was in for a big lesson on what it means to truly be a free spirited traveler.

Let me start by introducing Hostel Urbano, the place where my journey begins. I'd never stayed in a hostel before, in fact, my only exposure was by hearsay from Hollywood horror movies, so needless to say, I was skeptical at best. On the recommendation of a trusted friend, I chose this as my first stop in Costa Rica. It set the tone for my entire trip, in so many ways.

The dining room table in Hostel Urbano

The second I walked through the door, I was greeted like an old friend. As new people arrived, I had the pleasure of meeting one amazing individual after the next, all on a journey of discovery in some regard; The bubbly German woman I met my last night who had arrived without a plan, the Canadian writer who was working on his science fiction novel, the cook turned dive instructor, the two Americans who had decided to move to Costa Rica for a couple of months and work at the hostel in exchange for room and board. What is it about travel that makes us feel that we will somehow be transformed? I think it is the removal from our daily routine. It is inevitable that when we leave our comfort zones, we will have to learn something about who we are, and make decisions about what we really want.

Not knowing what came next used to cause me a great deal of anxiety, but in meeting so many people who were willing to improvise their vacations, I began to "see the light." Backpackers are some of the most agile people I've ever met. By not having a set plan, they easily adapt to the moment. If loving where they are, they stay another day, hating where they are? They hop on a bus and get on with life. Sometimes we stay when we should go because it was "part of the plan." We stay in unhealthy relationships long past their expiration date, we continue working jobs that make us sick, we are so tied to the comfort of the known we allow it to dictate our path. As my vacation progressed, I found myself looking forward to arriving somewhere new, and free-styling.

I am not advocating that you leave everything in life to chance, some things you actually need to reserve in advance, but leave enough freedom to adapt. In life, as we all know, the unexpected happens. You cannot control the circumstances, only your response to them. I have seen many different responses...stressed out people at wits end on the verge of missing flights (you will make or miss the flight, regardless of how stressed out you are, so chill!), angry people trying to turn a situation in their favor (speaking more loudly in threatening manner will not endear service people to you, be kind, it gets you further in life), but my favorite are those who take stock of the situation and make the most of it. I will end this with an application of my lessons from the backpackers:

1. Be agile: Be open to change and ready to make the necessary adjustments
2. Make the most of the moment: You cannot change what has already happened, so, when life gives you lemons, make a souffle! 

An excerpt from my journal on Sept 11, 2013:

I couldn't be further removed from the chaos that marked this day in 2001...Today, as I walked around wondering what I would do, and how I would get there, I stopped myself and said 'Enjoy the journey.' Life is as much about the 'in between' the 'meantime' as it is the end goal and destination. The dive instructor that I met at the hostel said he had always wanted to find a way to to combine his love of water and cooking and that now, he was doing something he really enjoyed, but he said "What next?" What happens when you have reached the goals you set, when you are content with life? I think every person has a hunger. An insatiable hunger to strive for more. Whether it be more knowledge, greater spiritual ascension, better physical fitness, it is a never ending chase. But instead of more, why is it so hard to be? To be present, in the moment, to enjoy what is happening right now, because the now is not something you get back. I got caught in the rain today and I didn't mind because I had on my rain gear. I set out for what I thought was the entrance to the Arenal Volcano Park. I came to find out, after walking for 20 minutes, that I was very far from where I wanted to be. So, I turned around and I walked. I walked back to where I was and as I did, I ran into a couple who told me that I had to see La Fortuna Waterfalls. I saw a sign for it and followed it. That turned out to be another hour walk, but I made it and I arrived at the falls to have my breath completely taken away. I must say, it was one of the more beautiful falls I've seen.

La Catarata de La Fortutna

 Enjoy the moments. Peace and blessings.

Sabbatical: One Bag

What do you put into a suitcase for six weeks of travel? I have never been on a trip that lasted longer than two weeks, let alone with just one bag. One carry on bag. I suppose I should back up a few steps. Every seven years, the company I work for grants it's salaried employees eight weeks of additional paid vacation. You can use this time however you choose, and this magical time is known as sabbatical.

sabbatical noun: a period of time during which someone does not work at his or her regular job and is able to rest, travel, do research, etc.

One bag.
The worst possible thing that can happen when you are travelling is lost luggage. My first course of action was to identify a single travel bag that would be versatile, functional and easily fit into the overhead compartment of a standard airplane. After researching several different sites and bags, I settled on the Deuter Transit 50 for it's versatility, durability and zip off daypack. Great for the single traveler hopping on and off of buses, doing day hikes and without need for all of the extraneous addons of typical backpacking packs. I picked it up for $143.00 on Moosejaw.

So, now, I had the bag and we are back to the original question: What do you put into a suitcase for six weeks of travel?

I suppose that depends on where you are travelling, and what you intend to do. I was planning to travel to Costa Rica (3 weeks), Peru (1 week), Argentina (1 week) and Colombia (1 week). This presented a bit of a challenge because I would be doing a mixture of adventure and urban travel. I wanted to snorkel, hike, zipline, tango, attend my first professional soccer match and learn how to surf--among other things. The range in temperature: 40-85 Farenheit.

What's in my bag?

1. Journal and pen
2. White long sleeved cotton shirt
3. Black danskin long sleeve mock turtleneck
4. Black Prana convertible pants -- Best. Pants. Ever.
5. Black stretchy pants
6. 2 multicolored print scarves
7. 2 maxi convertible tube dresses which double as skirts (one black, one animal print)
8. 1 black sweater
9. 1 cream knitted hoodie (Roxy-- love it!)
10. 1 sports bra
11. 1 cream colored hemp material long skirt
12. 1 pair board shorts
13. 1 regular bra
14. 1 athletic bikini
15. 1 one piece black halter swimsuit
16. Rashguard (this I could have left at home, the surf instructor provided one)
17. 1 pair waterproof socks
18. 1 white cotton t-shirt
19. 1 black cami
20. 1 white cami
21. 1 tan cami
22. 1 gray cami
23. 1 animal print 1/2 t-shirt
24. 1 pair mid-calf jean shorts
25. 1 pair cotton long socks
26. 1 pair black yoga pants
27. 1 island print cotton halter dress
28. 1 long sleeve embroidered hemp-material "hippie"shirt.
29. 7 pair of underwear
30. 1 pair of black gloves
31. 1 Orange knit hat
32. 1 army green baseball cap
33. 1 black Marmot waterproof jacket
34. 1 pair Teva TIRRA hiking sandals
35. 1 pair Born Elsa sandals
36. 1 pair of "fashion"boots
37. 1 hobo bag for a more fashionable alternative to the day pack when in an urban setting :-)
38. Norwex towel and washcloth
39. 1 Argentinian futbol jersey :-)
40. 2 pair of ear plugs
41. Electronics: Canon PowerShot D20 waterproof camera, Samsung ATIV 500 Tablet, iPod, 500GB external hard drive (for backing up pics), USB mouse, lighweight bluetooth keyboard, Droid Bionic, Casio Tough Solar waterproof watch, USB rechargeable flashlight
42. Toiletries: Lush body butter (take THAT TSA), Soapwalla Deodorant cream, contact solution, arm & hammer toothpaste, scalp olive oil, shampoo
43. Feminine products -- I wanted to just take a DivaCup, but, I hadn't tested it out yet, so I opted for conventional products on this trip.
44. Reading (ebooks): Girl Who Played with Fire, Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Half the Sky, World War Z, Bossy Pants (audio), Behind the Beautiful Forevers (audio), The New Yorker
45. Accessories: Wooden jewelry, sun glasses 
46. Makeup: 1 mascara, 1 neutral (brown), palette eyeshadow, brow pencil, lip gloss, black eye liner
47. Travel Pharmacy (various medications for travelling, I won't inventory this, but suffice it to say I am amply prepared for montezuma's revenge or any other common disease that besets travelers).
48. Outlet adapter, I need to add a 3 prong adapter in this, as presently I only have 2 prong.
49. Water bottle
50. Water bladder from my camelback, which I have not used at all!
51. Plastic baggies
52. Snacks! Lifesavers on long bus rides. I had lara bars, I have since replaced them with local snacks.

One bag to rule them all: Deuter Transit 50

That may not be an all inclusive list, but it pretty much captures everything that is in my bag (so far as I can recall). I didn't have to bring any styling products for my hair because I am sporting braids, circa 1993 Poetic Justice style! To anyone who will be travelling for an extended period of time, I would recommend the theme song "Bag Lady," as you will definitely need to "pack light."

I have been in Costa Rica for two and a half weeks now and I must say that my all-stars have been the convertible pants, hiking sandals and rain jacket. There were things that I considered putting in my bag, but they just wouldn't fit, these included: pair of flip flops, tennis shoes (chucks).  I will write about each country as I complete my journey there, but I wanted to start with what I put in my bag. Until next time!

Hippie shirt, jean shorts and tevas

On Reading Cloud Atlas

"In an individual, selfishness uglifies the soul; for the human species, selfishness is extinction." 

I just finished reading Cloud Atlas, a novel by David Mitchell. It is brilliant. I don't use that word frivolously. I sincerely mean it. I rarely read a work of fiction and find myself congratulating the author aloud, but I did. I have stayed up far too late for the past several nights reading. I was engrossed, enthralled, absolutely delighted by the intricately woven twists and turns, and the artful manner in which he connects the disparate stories to craft a delicious scavenger hunt. I ferreted away information while reading, paying close attention to the seemingly insignificant, so that I could make the connection and piece together the puzzle determining how one tale was linked to the next. This man knows how to tell a story.

Cloud Atlas, at its core, underscores the age old struggle of the powerful and the powerless. President Lincoln understood this well when he said "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." No matter the time -- future or past, present or otherwise, there will always be those that desire power and the unfortunate souls who are collateral damage in their struggle to obtain more of it. A greed driven culture of conquest requires a need to justify the evils that must exist in order to sustain that culture. If our contentment is only bought with consumption, we will be eternally hungry. Always desiring more. More power, more status, more intelligence.

"Yay, Old Uns' Smart mastered sicks, miles, seeds an' made miracles ord'nary, but it din't master one thing, nay, a hunger in the hearts o' humans, yay, a hunger for more"

more what?

"Oh, more gear, more food, faster speeds, longer lifes, easier lifes, more power, yay. Now the Hole World is big, but it weren't big 'nuff for that hunger what made Old Uns rip out the skies an' boil up the seas an' poison the soil with crazed atoms an' donky 'bout with rotted seeds so new plagues was borned an' babbits was freakish birthed...human hunger birthed the Civ'lize, but human hunger killed it too."

In order for a small concentration of power to remain, a large percentage of the population must be kept powerless. To treat a person poorly, you must somehow convince yourself that they are deserving of such treatment. In C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, he posits "If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more." and I do not disagree. You have to not only convince yourself of this, but others as well, in order for them to allow such ill treatment to continue. As Cloud Atlas explains it:

"In a cycle as old as tribalism, ignorance of the Other engenders fear; fear engenders hatred; hatred engenders violence; violence engenders further violence until the only "rights." the only law, are whatever is willed by the most powerful"

The effect that such atrocities have on the perpetrators is to make them callous to the suffering of those they deem "less than," it in turn makes them less human. But we are all connected. The thread that binds the stories of Cloud Atlas, binds each of us and just as one act of hatred will inevitably begat more of the same, it is also true that one act of kindness begets more kindness. I love a book that causes you to question the goodness of humanity to lament the evils of society, but then, to ask yourself: "what is my role?" The closing paragraph of the novel ends with such a call:

"He who would do battle with the many-headed hydra of human nature must pay a world of pain & his family must pay it along with him! & only as you gasp your dying breath shall you understand, your life amounted to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean!"
Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?

So, what is your drop?

Shine.

Hello.

I haven't posted an entry since...June, of last year. It is not that I haven't had a multitude of thoughts, I just have not made the time to write them here. I had to write this, because I know someone needs to hear it, I needed to hear it.

"Everything has a purpose, clocks tell you the time, trains take you to places. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." --Hugo Cabret 

Do not, ever, diminish who you are in order to allow someone else to be comfortable. Anyone. Not your friends, family, co-workers, spouses, acquaintances, no one. Life is short. We only get one shot at this, and the time we have is precious, far too precious to spend even one moment hiding who it is that we were created to be. More important than that: someone needs you to be exactly who you are in order to fulfill who it is that they are meant to be. We are all here for a reason.

If we spend our lives and energy worrying about what will cause someone else discomfort, what they will think of us, we do ourselves and the world a great disservice. Each time we hide, we retreat further into ourselves until eventually, we just...disappear.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." --Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Ch. 7, Section 3 (1992)

We must be careful who we allow to speak into our lives, who we allow to impact our spirits, because the people we surround ourselves with can be our greatest detractors or our biggest supporters. Everyone needs encouragement in order to grow. Anyone who constantly feels the need to remind you of how normal, average, and insignificant you are, is someone who does not yet love themselves enough to be loving toward anyone else...even if they want to be. The world is full of people who have been rejected and made to feel inadequate. If they have not healed, those around them become collateral damage. It is our job to love them, but not at the expense of shrinking from who we know in our hearts we are called to become.

There is far too much darkness in the world to extinguish, or even diminish the light we carry. We have to shine. We were born to shine. We were made to shine.

What I am going to say next, makes me want to cry: all of the love you have to give, will never be enough love to make someone love themselves. Let me repeat that. ALL of the love you have to give will NEVER be enough love to MAKE someone love themselves. We are not meant to fill that void, if we try, we will soon find that we are drained. Loving a person is not easy, but healthy love is reciprocal, and though hard fought, has the effect of making you shine brighter.

I want you to do something. I want you to take a pen and paper, and write down every person that you love. Are you their biggest cheerleader? You should be able to cheer on, from your heart, everyone who you love. If you cannot do that, you are not loving them. You should ask yourself, why? If your actions cause friction, tension, silence, separation, you are diminishing the people who you say you love.

I want you to take the challenge to give the people you love license to shine. You may not yet know how to do this, but it is simple: look into their eyes, observe their body language, you will see that they are shining, it will exude from every pore. Lift them up, speak kind words, give of yourself when there is nothing that you expect in return, look for ways to lighten their burdens, hug them, personify love.

I want you to give yourself license to shine. Pursue your passions. Your dreams are not silly, stupid, crazy or unreachable, they exist in your heart because you have the unique life experience to steward them, to shepherd them and to carry them to completion. If you are reading this, even if I do not know you, I want to tell you that I love you.

Do not be afraid to be who you were created to be, you need to be that to fulfill your purpose, and the world needs us each to shine brightly in order to illuminate the darkness.

Weighing In

I have not blogged (on my personal blog) in over a year. Thoughts pop into my head and as quickly as the seed is planted a responsibility usurps my fleeting desire to write. So, here I am, sitting at the keyboard, finally. I intended to go to bed early tonight because I went to bed far too late and got up far too early yesterday. I wanted a nice cup of mint tea before I went to bed, warm beverages put me in a sleepy mood. I opened the pantry, only to be accosted by a moth. I don't like things flying unexpectedly at my face. So, I killed it. And then, there was another, and another...until in disgust I started removing all of the boxes from my pantry shelf to find that they had taken up residence there. There went my early bed time. I have spent the last 2 hours cleaning out my cabinet and throwing away food. At the end of the ordeal, I put my water on to boil, let my mint tea steep and I thought: "Why do I love butterflies and hate moths?" They are essentially the same, right?

Why is it that I am delighted when a butterfly lands on me, yet, I swat violently when a moth so much as dares to enter my atmosphere? I came to the conclusion that it's because butterflies are prettier. Beautiful things get a pass in this world. If something is hideous or even slightly displeasing, we have less empathy for it; ugly things suffer. I had to let that marinate.

How must it feel to be passed over, or worse, targeted for ridicule because you are not conventionally attractive? I have been guilty in my lifetime of judging the book by it's cover. If someone smelled bad, seemed not to care about their appearance or, heaven forbid, was obese, I judged them. I am not proud to admit it, but I was extremely intolerant of obesity.

I seized every opportunity to climb atop my fat soapbox, often going on tirades. My friends jokingly remarked that I "hated fat people," to which a typical response would be "I don't hate them, I just don't want to have to subsidize their bad habits" before laying out the laundry list of ailments associated with being overweight and lamenting how I should get health insurance discounts for keeping myself in good shape.  I made insensitive comments, minimized the weight loss struggle ("just stop eating so much and so unhealthily!" I'd think when I saw a large person) and in some ways, disliked overweight people without ever having befriended one. Weightism is one of the last socially acceptable forms of discrimination.

Everyone cannot be a butterfly, but that does not make them any less worthy of love. I know that God created all things for a purpose, yes all things, even those that I do not find beautiful. In 2011 I made a conscious decision to stop speaking so venomously about people who are overweight, to start seeing them with new eyes. In the process I came to a realization about obesity: It is merely an outward manifestation of inward struggle. If we all had to wear our private battles like a badge where everyone could see, it is likely that we would stagger and fall beneath the weight of judgement.

For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you

Saying You're Sorry

It is never easy to admit when you are wrong. Seeking forgiveness is a very humbling experience. You can (and likely will) pour out your heart, having thought very carefully of the words to use and their delivery, but it is left to the person whom you have wronged to either accept or reject. No matter the response, you have to be able to forgive yourself and move forward. I made such an apology and received a terse response which, in all honesty, I deserved. I was not expecting a warm reception, or even a reply but I felt like a jerk nonetheless. An apology should never take long to deliver, the more time you allow to pass, the less likely you will be to make it, and the more hurt the person who deserves it will be. I cannot change what I did, but I can change how I behave in the future. I will not continue to beat myself up about something that has already happened. I will simply do better.

With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility

"Whoso causeth the righteous to go astray in an evil way, he shall fall himself into his own pit: but the upright shall have good things in possession." -- Proverbs 28:10

I have been concerned for some time by the deepening division and the lack of civility in our country's public discourse. The heightened sense disenfranchisement and the inability to come together and find common ground has troubled me. I have feared for the lives of our President and his family and I have prayed for the safety of elected officials across the country. Sadly, I was not surprised by the shootings in Tucson yesterday.

I say this with conviction: Words. Have. Power. Words can inspire hope, break hearts, move nations. Anyone who has been placed in a position that grants them a large audience whose actions they can influence through their words has a responsibility to weigh them carefully and consider their consequences before speaking.

Whoso causeth the righteous to go astray in an evil way, he shall fall himself into his own pit.

We cannot expect that the words we speak do not galvanize people to take action and we cannot absolve ourselves of any accountability simply because the action taken was not performed with our own hand. If a commander in chief sends his troops to war, is he not responsible for the blood shed as a result of his directive?

"An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression." -- Proverbs 29:22

If we know that encouraging anger devolves people to their baser instincts, why feed that emotion? Our energy would be better served finding a positive outlet to express our frustrations instead of yelling and screaming about what isn't being done.

"The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression" -- Proverbs 19:11

I would strongly admonish those in positions of power at this time, not to avoid having a critical discussion on the tone of messaging in all arenas of public discourse. The people are watching and will take note of what decisions are made at this juncture. I only hope that this tragedy can be the catalyst for a change in the way we treat those who do not agree with our points of view.