men behaving badly

typically, i try to give people the benefit of the doubt. i am beginning to rethink that practice, especially where men are concerned. now, before you condemn me with your diatribe of "here goes another bitter woman," permit me to explain myself. i have several married male friends with whom i hang on occasion. one of these friends constantly laughs at me for saying that married guys are "safe." i believe in the sanctity of marriage, so my assumption is that when a married man says "let's grab lunch" that is all he means.

i went to an art show with one of my married friends, and we stopped for a bite to eat beforehand. while we were dining, he casually tells me that he has divorced his wife, stating "i didn't want you to feel strangely about spending time with me." yeah, i didn't, until he told me he'd divorced his wife! he then ended our outting by inviting me to a game of one on one basketball, needless to say, i never took him up on the invitation, i just felt strangely about the situation. fast forward to this past weekend.

i was doing my civic duty, registering voters and getting people to sign up for the early voter list. each person was supposed to walk their houses with a partner. i am minding my business when a very attractive man approaches and asks if i'm already partnered, i'm not. he asks me where i'm from and it turns out we are both new mexicans! we chat about loving to travel and the importance of community and civic engagement, and then he says "where were you when i was single?!" hold the phone. this sneaky sneaky so-and-so! there were a TON of other people there he could have partnered with, now i'm stuck with the married guy! to make matters worse, he called me "sexy shoulder girl" and at the end of our walking, he gave me his number and told me to call him if i was "going to be doing any more organizing."

so from now on, married men are no longer in the safe category. i don't want any angry wives chasing me down, that i can do without.

healthy living: because you aren't getting any younger!

my company has a voluntary health and wellness program. each year, you can get your vital stats taken and evaluated with a health care professional, AND you get $50 for doing it!

when is the last time you had a physical? how frequently do you exercise your body? how often do you drink? how are your sleep habits? are you a smoker? do you want to have children? as we approach our 30s these vital stats become so much more important. society may have changed; 30 may be the new 20, but our bodies have not evolved to accommodate the lifestyle. the damage we do today, will now have much greater consequence than it would have in our 20s. we heal slower, and gradually become more fragile.

the simple fact of the matter is, we cannot afford to play fast and loose with our bodies and our health. if we live long enough, one day, we will be old. the life expectancy of adults in developed countries has increased by at least 10 years due to modern medicine, however, quality of life has decreased. yes, people are living longer but they are sicker. prevention is the best thing we can do to stave off disease in old age. it has to become a habit. making conscious decisions about our health should be as much a part of the life plan as that next career move! don't think you can do it? i did, and here's (an abbreviated version of) how...

in 2004, i noticed that i would wake up feeling like i wanted to vomit every morning. i also had stomach problems throughout the day. my mother and father raised our family using holistic medicine (tiger claw, acupuncture, detoxes, etc.), so i began looking at my diet. what was i eating? i loved cereal, and i usually had a bowl before i went to bed. i switched to soy milk. within two weeks, i stopped waking up nauseous! in the past several years, i have made many changes in the way that i live. i have been a vegetarian my whole life, but i have become much more aware of the things i put into my body. from my lotions to hair products, foods to medicines, i began reading more about nutrition. the pesticides used in farming, hormones in livestock, carcinogens in beauty products...i vowed to go organic.

the first step was to was phase out dairy and eggs. i was never a fan of eggs as it was, the texture and smell always turned my stomach, so that one was easy. i switched to sea salt, whole wheat pasta, and brown rice. i stopped buying canned vegetables, i began studying the vitamins and properties of foods, buying whole grains, and reading labels. some books that helped me along the way: "choose your foods: like your life depends on them" by dr colleen huber, and "the detox miracle sourcebook" by robert morse.

i graduated high school weighing 117. when i started college, i ate a lot of breads and pastas, my papa johns pizza bill at the end of my freshman year was $200+. my late night eating habits, and carb heavy diet (without enough corresponding exercise to burn it) kept me between 130-135 throughout undergrad. i'm only 5'2" so 10-15 pounds on someone my size makes a big difference :-) my father pinched my cheeks when i came home for christmas break and told me "you've got a little butter on you baby!" not funny.

after graduation, i didn't do much differently, but i was living on my own, buying my own food, and without any effort, i'd dropped down to 125. at that time, i had stopped drinking carbonated beverages. i began to make additional changes to my diet in 2006: only natural sweeteners (i.e. no high fructose corn syrup!), buying fresh foods without preservatives: i now shop more frequently. i only buy what i need as it will go bad faster, and if i'm not going to use it before it does, i cut it up and freeze. and i only drink water and fresh fruit juices...and the occasional mixed drink (caution drinkers, most alcoholic beverages are high in carbs, they don't call it a beer belly for nothing!).

i knew that if i was changing what i was putting into my body, i also needed to pay attention to what i was putting ON to my body. i got rid of my shampoos and conditioners, started buying all natural and organic versions, and i stopped using chemicals on my hair. i am currently looking for a quality makeup line to replace my old cosmetics, since i've stopped wearing makeup and changed my facewash (amande pomme apple from l'occitane), i don't get breakouts anymore (i had been thinking about going to see a dermatologist). my moisturizers (almond-aloe from earth science and alba daily shade) are all natural with spf 15+, and i just started buying green cleaning products.

to complete "the trifecta," i wanted to be more consistent about working out. moving to arizona really spurred my exercise regimen, i didn't have to be indoors to work out! i joined a volleyball team, i can go hiking on weekends and i love to run outside. i made a commitment to myself to work out 3 days a week, no matter what. i bought a bike in 2005, and ride it anywhere in a 5 mile radius of my home, which includes to an from work every day. 2 months ago, i purchased a nike+ personal trainer to help track my running and it has made a difference in my motivation. i set time and distance goals, and challenge myself. today, i am ~118, ~21% body fat, and working toward my second half marathon, the nike marathon in san francisco! i love feeling good and being proud of my body, and the pool parties are always a source of motivation.

i challenge you to start by taking these small steps: get a physical, and some blood work. know your cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, and percent body fat. talk with your doctor about what those numbers mean, and about your lifestyle choices. identify those that may put you at risk for disease in old age, and then...change them.

my stats:

Your Current Medical Biometric Data	Results	Recommended Level
Blood Sugar (Glucose)	84 mg/dL	Less than 100 mg/dL (fasting) Less than 140 mg/dL (nonfasting)
Your total Cholesterol level	149 mg/dL	Less than 200 mg/dL
Your LDL Cholesterol level	78 mg/dL	LDL : Less than 100 mg/dL
Your HDL Cholesterol level	59 mg/dL	HDL : Greater than 40 mg/dL
Triglycerides	60 mg/dL	Less than 150 mg/dL (fasting)
Blood Pressure	108/58	Less than 120/80 mmHG
Height	5 feet 2 inch(es)	N/A
Weight	118 lbs	N/A
BMI - Body Mass Index	21.5801 Kg/meter squared	BMI : 18.5-24.9
Body Fat	%21.3	Men less than 25% Women less than 32%

Ain’t I A Woman?

Thoughts on receiving an abnormal pap and waiting for biopsy results.

Sojourner, I feel your words.
is womanhood only in my womb?
Is femininity defined only by my ability to bring life?
lately, I’ve been thinking twice
what if my body is a tomb

if I am like infertile ground, unable to bear fruit,
ain’t I a woman?

If no seed will ever take root...
ain’t I a woman?

Suddenly I am aware of my 27 years
3 years from 30
My mind is trying to calm the fears
That only one heart will ever beat within me
That I will never have a biological copy

If I never suffer labor pains,
ain’t I a woman?

If no child will carry on my name,
ain’t I a woman?

a case of mistaken identities

last night, i found out that a high school friend of mine passed away. i received a message informing me that she had been in a car accident and did not survive. i was crushed. although we had not kept in touch after high school, i would still run into her on occassion when i went home for family visits and it was always a pleasure.

i began to think back to our days in track when we hurdled together, and performing routines in flag corps. the sleep overs and the car washes, riding around in her classic cherry red volkswagon rabbit convertible, the silly jokes and fun times and i was genuinely hurt. i thumbed through my high school year book reading her message to me and thinking "how horrible to lose someone so young." i tried to find the words to offer my condolences to her family, her father -my hurdle coach, her sister who i was on student council with. i wished that her two young daughters wouldn't have to grow up without their mother.

i called my father, my sisters, my best friend and my mother to inform them of the sad news. i trolled the local newspaper to see if there was a listing for when the services would be held, and looked up a florist so that i could have an arrangement sent to her family first thing in the morning. i prayed for strength for her family, i wondered how it must feel for a parent to bury their child. it was just not the natural order of things. i went to bed with a heavy heart.

today, i received a message informing me that it was not my close high school friend, but a high school acquaintance of the same name who had died in the car accident. i have to say that i felt a mixture of relief and renewed saddness. was it wrong for me to feel that way? a mother still lost her child. she was still somebody's sister, somebody's friend. in 24 hours, i had gone through the cycle of loss and in finding out that it was due to a case of mistaken identities, i was still somewhat altered.

it made me think. of the friends and family whom i love that i try my best to reach out to on regular basis. it made me wonder. if for 24 hours i thought that any of them were dead, would i feel regret? would i cry for the things i should have done? for the words i should have spoken? for the moments i could have shared? i came to the conclusion that i would not.

there is not a friend i hold dear who does not know that i love them. i take advantage of every opportunity to let them know that they matter and that having them in my life is a blessing. my 24 hour lesson: many things in this world exist solely to distract us from what truly matters. focus on what's real.

in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.

-the beatles.

can we?

tomorrow is "super tuesday."

i sit at my computer wondering what i can write to convey the emotion that i feel... how can we expect change if we are not the catalyst? i have heard people say that they will vote for barack obama if he receives the presidential nomination, but not tomorrow. have we become so afraid to dream? from a very young age we are taught that statistically, the odds are not in favor of the dreamers. the first time you lose a love, the first time you try and fail, it hurts. and it never stops being hard to go out on a limb because the higher you climb, the more broken you will be if you fall. it is not easy to get back up and keep trying when you have constantly been knocked down, but happiness is not the absence of discomfort, it is the presence of joy. there are many things in my life that i am not proud of because of the cowardly route i have taken, but tomorrow will not be an addition to that catalog.

i will not stand idly by in this monumental moment in history because i thought that my voice did not matter. alone, maybe no one will hear me sing, but i am not alone. i am joining a chorus of voices that is loud and resounding and the message is: "yes we can." i say to those who will vote their heart in the general election, but not tomorrow that without tomorrow, there is no nomination.

nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. we have been told we cannot do this by a chorus cynics. they will only grow louder and more dissonant. we have been asked to pause for a reality check. we have been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope, but in the unlikely story that is america, there has never been anything false about hope.

--senator barack obama

YES. WE. CAN. but not without you. vote.

disappearing acts

and no, i'm not talking about that wack wesley snipes/sanaa lathan straight-to-lifetime disasterpiece, i'm referring to mysterious television character disappearances and re-castings. this thought was spurned when the other night, i was watching my wife and kids in syndication and this girl came downstairs. tisha campbell's character called her "claire." i was like...hold the phone, who is this??

obviously, claire was recast early enough in the series that i never knew there was an "original" claire. now this is a common occurrence on daytime soaps so i am never taken by surprise, but at least soap operas have the decency to know that their audience members are intelligent enough to NOTICE that there has been a casting change. soap operas always have a nice voice over talent say something like: "and now playing the role of victoria newman will be *actress nowhere near as heather tom's name here*" when the new actor appears. i appreciate that. these tv show cast changes are hiliarious. it's like one day somebody just disappears and they are never mentioned again and the plot keeps on moving without a second thought.

case in point: judy, little richie, aunt rachael and grandma on family matters. it started with judy, but by the end of that show, nobody was safe. it was "the urkel show." don't remember judy? she was the pointless youngest child who couldn't fill the "cute as a button" role, wasn't "the stupid one" (eddie) or "the pretty one" (laura) so she had to go. in fact, upon further research, judy was recast from the pilot to the actual series run...doomed from the start.

just a random blog entry, it's been a while. i suppose i need to return to the blogosphere.

music moves me

to laugh, and sing, and cry. i sat dining with my aunt by the bay in san pedro, and as we were conversing, i lost my train of thought. my ears were filled with music. it had been nothing but background noise, until this song. the chords made my insides churn and my heart want to break. there has to be a science to the construction of a song. there must be something in the movements, the arrangement, the sharps and flats and crescendoing moments that evoke such emotions. i was perfectly happy, until i heard this song. the harmonies composed using those minor chords made my chest ache. i wanted to curl into a ball in my mother's lap (all the way in new mexico) and cry.

the eerie strain "be-cauuuuuse the sky is blue....it makes me cryyyyyy becaaaaaause, the sky...is bluuuuuue" wafting over the restaurant's stereo system sent chills down my spine. i remembered this song. it was playing when i saw cirque du soliel in las vegas. love. at the mirage. it had the same effect on me then. i felt as though i could turn myself inside out with sadness, and would still be unable to escape the haunting melody. so instead i sat transfixed by the contorting dancers as i embraced the unexpected rawness in my heart.

i have never been able to sit through an entire symphony without wanting to cry. especially the requiems. as the music swells and the chorus comes in, the timpanys rolling, i am on the edge of my seat, involuntarily clutching the program and i can feel my heart as it beats faster. one of my favorite movie soundtracks is the last of the mohicans, and i don't even like yanni, but the theme song gives me goosebumps.

i began playing the clarinet when i was in the fourth grade, and the first time i had the pleasure of going to see real musicians play in a grand symphony hall, i was hooked. i have since had a great appreciation for well built theaters with good acoustics that let you feel the music, be engulfed by it. it has been much too long. i think i know what i am going to do this weekend. hello symphony, my dear old friend, i did not realize how much i missed you...

bitter biker syndrome

i love riding my bike to work, the entire half mile commute. it takes me less than 5 minutes to get there if i catch the light just right. i go home everyday for lunch, and sometimes, catch a quick cat nap. i am helping the environment, saving on gas money, and getting a bit (albeit a very tiny bit) of exercise. so why am i bitter? i am bitter at the tax credits for people who buy hybrid vehicles. it just doesn't seem fair. yes, it is a delayed response, the credit was enacted 2 years ago. yes i know, cry me a river, but logic should dictate that anyone who does their due diligence to ease the burden on the environment should be eligible for some sort of tax break.

granted, there are some challenges in proving that you do indeed bike to work, but what of all the commuters who take public transportation and have a monthly pass of some sort? they are helping unclog the highways for all of those hybrid vehicles. i am going to lobby for a bikers tax credit! all of those hard peddling men and women deserve to be acknowledged in some way. after all, not only are they being "green," but also easing the burden on the health care system, working out is the best preventative medicine. people who work out should get a break for that too, or at least a reduction in their health insurance premiums, i should start a letter writing campaign to my local senator...

life is just not fair. woe is me. now i retire to wallow in my sorrow.

the china recall: don't believe the hype

consider this: the US has a multi-billion dollar trade deficit with china. add to that the fact that china has had a ban on american beef since the mad cow "epidemic" and you have what is shaping up to be quite an interesting exercise in the US media and government propaganda machine.

for the past month i have listened to and read countless stories about the chinese recalls and the lack of safety standards there, etc. etc. etc. meanwhile, US companies continue to outsource jobs to countries where the cost of labor is cheaper. this could get very ugly. what better way to force china to lift it's ban on beef and bring jobs back to the US where it's "safe" than to begin a scare campaign against the "made in china" label. i mean hey, it worked with iraq! they didn't even have weapons, and just the implication that they might, that the "smoking gun might be a mushroom cloud" was enough to send this country into a fear induced tizzy that is now a trillion dollar failed war.

china makes 70 percent of the world's toys. of the hundreds of millions of dollars in sales, a nine million dollar recall is not even a drop in the bucket. think about that. there have been MUCH larger recalls from american made toys (i will need to research and cite here but i don't have time to do so right now). not to mention that the latest recall of the magnet based polly pocket etc. has nothing to do with the manufacturing and EVERYTHING to do with the engineering and design. where was it designed? the US. so we should blame china for building to spec? the last time I checked, the law didn't work that way.

i am so tired of people not thinking and just buying into any and everything just because it was on the news. i for one, am NOT buying into the propaganda machine. my beef is not with china, i'll leave that to the cattle industry.

great buys

sometimes, there are perks and benefits to being a woman of color in arizona. typically, I go to COSTCO with a preset list so that I do not get sucked into bulk buying (i chuckle every time i think of the bernie mac episode) but sometimes you see an item that is just too sweet a deal to pass up. today, on my monthly pilgrimage to COSTCO, i saw such an item:

what made it such an incredible buy?? i will leave it to you to spot the pricing differential...

it's been too long

since last i wrote a post. i try not to do this too often, but i am about to discriminate. if you are sensitive about weight, DO NOT READ THIS POST. i am about to go on a rant.

for some reason while cruising youtube last night, i came accross a video of american idol jordin sparks being heavily criticized about her weight on fox news by meme roth. in keeping with that theme, this morning on npr, i heard a story about retailers attempting to capitalize on the rapidly growing market for the obese dollar. 2/3 of the american adult population is considered to be clinically over weight...

now i don't think that meme roth was reasonable in attacking jordin (i think she's adorable and well within the confines of manageble weight), however, i am a strong advocate for healthy lifestyle choices and accountability. i do not like obesity. i do not mean pleasantly plump, i am talking "big medicine" heavy. the morbidly obese, excessively overweight, requiring 2 seats on a plane and a walker to get out of bed in the morning. this is an epedimic.

what i want to know is: at what point does a person wake up 400 pounds overweight? that doesn't just creep up on you overnight. it takes years. the site livingXL.com caters to those with weight problems so severe that they need special aids, such as the $80 toe nail clippers that extend so you don't have to , $300 heavy duty 500 lb capacity scale, and the list goes on.

i am not saying that overwieght people do not deserve to have a market that caters to them, but when i am eating healthy, working out, and paying ridiculous health insurance premiums for other people's bad habits, i have a right to say "put down that burger and take a walk around the block!" sadly by that time, they might need a crane to get up. yes i sound like an insensitive ass, and i will admit that this is one area where i have very little sympathy. i hate that we coddle people so much in this country. china just executed their ex-food and drug safety chief for taking bribes in exchange for approving unsafe medicine, how's that for accountability?? and no, i don't want to live in china, but we can't even send a liar to jail (well, aside from lil kim).

when will we stop blaming everyone else for our shortcomings and start owing our mistakes...and their consequences. there is no fat pill that will zap 300 pounds, gastric bypass is not a cure for bad eating habits, and liposuction will not prevent your fat thighs from getting fat again. lord help me if see another promise to lose 30 lbs in 30 days, did it take you 30 days to put it on? in the words of the great Al Bundy "It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the FAT that makes you look fat!" so maybe mo'nique was right, maybe skinny b*tches are evil, but being overweight is just not healthy, no matter how happy you are with being big and beautiful.

the little things

i am a people watcher. not in a creepy way that makes someone feel uncomfortable, moreso an observatory way that is not intrusive. i especially enjoy couples. the subtle intimacy of two people who share a romantic interest makes me smile.

today while i was eating lunch, i saw one such couple. i noticed them when they walked in. they had an aura of positive energy. they passed my table when they were being seated. i liked how the man placed his hand (ever so lightly) on the small of the woman's back to guide her toward the table, pulling her chair out as though it were second nature. their lunch was a series of these familiar exchanges and i found myself drawn to the comfort of their interaction. i think it was the implied history that intruiged me. knowing that they'd grown accustom to the rythm of one another's speech-- the space between words, inevitable pauses, the punctuation of a smile. He silently predicting that she would order the same thing, just like she always did every time they came to this restaurant, even though she always said she would try something new. She anticipating the exact moment when he would systematically clean each utensil with the extra napkin that she knew he would ask the waitress for. things they could only know because they knew each other.

these moments in life are my secret pleasures. the daddy who lovingly brushes a stray hair from his baby girl's cheek. two friends giggling as a look that only they can interperet passes between them. in this cold world of strangers, i search for glimpses of humanity. the couple in the restaurant did not speak english, but love needs no interpreter. with the constant barrage of negativity it is easy to forget how much good still exists, it's what keeps me grounded. no matter what storms rage externally, to quote india arie, "ain't nothin in the whole wide world like the peace that i have found, in the little things, and the joy they bring."

peace and love to you all -- gary bartz.

information overload

isn't it crazy how you can become attached to inanimate objects as though they were living breathing things? this past weekend i finally got around to building my new computer...well, actually, i bought the parts and my friend from work built it for me, i just handed him stuff.

the new computer is so much faster, sleeker and quieter...and, empty. after he built it, i looked in the case and said "is that all?" what had happened to all of the extra crap? the cables, the sound card, the "guts" of the computer? consolidated on the motherboard. remember back in the day when people had to take a stack of punched cards to a room where the computer was (and it literally took up the entire room) and load them (in sequence) then wait for hours while it executed? well, neither do i, but that's how it used to be.

these days, you get more bang for your buck. more space, more memory, faster processor, and while it would seem that those things should buy you more time, they only serve to ciphon away what little that you do. mobile devices and the need for constant information stimulus keep us coming back for more. i think my attention span has been cut in half in the last year or so. i am the queen of multi-tasking. i cannot recall the last time i actually did ONE thing at a time. i think it actually makes me uncomfortable. i am usually talking on my lan line while texting on my cell, blogging on my computer, youtubing videos, and a host of other things. when will the insanity end??

it is an actual prerequisite that whenever i stay in a hotel, there must be internet access. i do not travel without my laptop. it is fair to say, i am addicted. my "quiet" time is when i am flying. this is when i read, journal...think. it isn't that i don't do those things when i am at home, it's just that it takes me much longer to get around to doing them. my scrapbooking projects lay haphazardly strewn about my living room floor, and the beep of my text message alert is a constant source of interruption while writing.

i think i will resolve to schedule weekly quiet time, no phone, no internet, just me and my thoughts, a good book, my journal...then, maybe i'll slow down long enough to catch up with myself.